No Longer Mine.

Every time you pass by
My heart goes weak, it leaps and cries...
To walk up to you, I always try
But, as you come near, I almost die!

To hold your hand, my fingers tremble
Yet, seeing you, I can only fumble!
Though my soul is crushed and crumbled,
Those three words, I can only mumble.

I wont come by,
I'm fine, I will lie!
Know this silence kills me,
Yet I wont try!

Days will fly,
Tears will dry,
Times will change,
By then, you'll no longer be mine!

How I wish!

I wish I were an ordinary girl,

Who could take time to smell the flowers,

And be late at times!

Who could keep singing to herself,

And laugh non-stop!

I wish I were an ordinary girl,

Who knew no tears or sorrow,

Except when her doll was broken or ribbon stolen!

Who could stop worrying about monthly paychecks,

And count her pocket money instead!

I wish I were an ordinary girl,

Who was taken for granted,

And never the center of focus!

Who had a few friends - who were true,

And could count them too!

I wish I were an ordinary girl,

Who was not so benevolent,

And was greedy, for a change!

Who could make mistakes,

And was still forgiven!

I wish I were an ordinary girl

Who had one regular visitor,

And not so many passersby!

Who could fall in love,

And afford to keep it too!

Death of an Indian

India celebrated her 60th Republic Day today.

I was happy.

Not because I live in a sovereign, socialist, democratic, republic; but because it was a holiday and I got to sit at home.

I was watching TV. All channels across all languages, were bombarded with patriotic movies - be it in English, Hindi, Tamil, Malayalam, Telugu or more...

My patriotism was confined to having goosebumps as the hero (an army man of course) delivered dialogues filled with 'Indianess' and 'Jai Hind' in it. I clapped and cried, as heroes won (read Indians) and villains died (read Pakistanis). It again ignited my 'once in a while' desire to get married to an army man, who would fight bravely and die for the country.

As the day came to an end. I wondered who in real celebrated the republic day. To me it meant watching the parade in the morning in TV. Some food and time to make up for lost sleep.

I never understood the terms anyways!

What is sovereignty? Monarchy still exists, with the ruling power controlled by 'families' and 'friends'! Citizens are still the second rung.

What is socialism? India has around 1 lakh millionaires, yet 45% of Indians are still "Extremely poor".

What is democracy? An elected representative splurges Rs. 30 lakh to refurbish his bathroom. Who is to blame, if we rank 84th, among the most corrupt 180 countries in the world.

What is secularism? Even the most educated and sophisticated beings, look down at Muslims who form 15% of the Indian population, just because we share borders with Pakistan, a Muslim country. Agreed, the hundreds of Kasabs who infiltrate into the Indian territory are Muslims, by birth. But out of the 257 they killed during Mumbai attacks in November 2008, almost 50 were Muslims, who were Indians first.

The national anthem is being played in some channel. I stood up, like an obedient citizen in front of the TV, and saluted in respect.

Then, I went to sleep.

That was the simple ordinary citizen in me.

The one,

- who never cast vote at the polling booth during elections...

- who never raised a finger when demanded to pay a few extra thousands so that the new gas connection comes in faster...

- who justified taking bribes due to surging prices and inflation...

- who was alright with bus strikes and bandhs as it gave a day off to stay a home...

- who took for granted, the lives of hundreds of armed forces - army / navy / air force, who fought day and night guarding the Indian border

- who had taken a back stand for everything and looked for "Whats in it for me?"

This ordinary citizen was - a Hindu, a Christian, a Muslim, a Sikh, a Jain.

But definitely not an Indian.

Today let it be

I don't live by what I preach - Live life to the fullest and be grief-free!

What I know could fit in a cup, What I don't is vaster than the seas!

I never learn! I never seek!

I am never free. I am full of grief!

Yet in love with life, I claim to be!

I still hold on to frivolous moments...

People who have passed by...

Paper which has faded...

Toys long broken...

Memories which are jaded...

People are weird! I have never known...

Who they were?

Why they came ?

What they meant?

And where they strayed!

I wish - so selfish, I wouldn't be!

And talk to people who wait for me...

Pray for those who are actually in need!

Long for people who find time to be free...

And love those, who are still a part of me!

I will not whine. I will not complain.

Tomorrow brings hope. Tomorrow I will change.

But for today, let me live in grief.

In a day, what difference can it be?

So let me not change. Today, let it be..!

Abort me not!

April 16th 1982
Friday
9.00 am
Maternity Hospital, Shuwaikh, Kuwait.
(Mushtashva Al Walada Al Kuwait)

I don’t know what mom was more bothered about, the day I was born.

Was she happy to have her third child? A baby girl?

Was she thankful to have survived a complicated and fatal pregnancy, due to placenta previa?

Was she worried about her elder daughter, a 2 year old, who was alone at home?

Was she concerned about her 1 year old son, who was away in India with her in-laws, not realising he just had a baby sister?

Or was she wondering where her husband was? (A husband who she would always have to keep longing for...)

I still dont know!

Little did she know, her days of worries where yet to come.

It took me years to realise how much of struggle she had to go through to have me.

From the moment she conceived me...

Through the times when she was forced to down medicines to abort me...

To the day she decided to go ahead and have me, even though I ran a chance to be born deformed from the side-effects of the medicines...

To putting up with a husband who gave her a one night deadline to deliver me... (as if this were some courier service!)

To praying through the night of April 15th 1982, to a GOD she called Father, to give her pangs of pain and help her bring a new life to earth! (Which miraculously happened, because her EDD was atleast a week ahead)

Anyways...

I was born.

I was a fairly large baby, weighing 3.650 kgs when born. I must have put her through lot of pain.

I know for a fact that she expected a boy. Intuitions had gone wrong for the first time, for the third child.

(I never complained. I have always loved to dress up as a boy.)

The name was pre-decided.

Geetha Raj Chettiyanthodi

Geetha, because mom loved that name and the Bhagavad Gita (The song of God). Raj, from my dad. And the rest was the 'House name'. (Agreed that is a stupid way of naming a child!)

But, I never had a reason to complain about that either. I love my name. (Which is not a great coincidence, considering the great narcissist I am!)

I turn 28 in another 4 months. I am not married yet. I dont know if I would ever have a kid.

But...

I know for a fact that...

Everyone talks about their mother being the best mom. Being their role model. Being their motivator.

But to me...

She is the only reason why I am.

If she'd chosen to do away with me...

If she had chosen to have it the way her husband wanted it... (which I would have, had I been in her shoes)

Then, I wouldn't have been...! This blog wouldn't have been...!

I am not against abortion. I strongly support the cause. It is a woman's body. She decides what to do with it.

But...

It takes immense courage and self-esteem for a woman - to bring in a life, especially a life, which is hated much before its birth, which is termed an unnecessary burden even before it's as big as a tennis ball... and if that's a girl child, too bad! Dowry and more money to spend!

A Salute to all those mothers who still pursue their urge to have a kid and go against all odds to bring out a life...

Mommy, please know I wouldn't have complained, had you chosen not to... But I am happy you didn't!

Thanks for having me mom... You really don't realize what I would have missed...!

Thank you 360!

I started my blog 3 months back.

I had always wanted to have a blog - a space of my own, where I could share, without the fear of being judged - all my scribbles, which I term 'creative', in the form of poems or short stories.

When I started receiving comments on my blogs, I understood how modest a writer feels, on knowing that someone has taken the pains to read what one has written, understand it and even review it...

Writing takes some skill (perhaps).

But reading takes patience!

I would like to thank all the 360 friends, who visited my profile over the past 3 months, from 18th September 2009 - the day I started blogging, till the 18th of December 2009 - today.

And yeah! I will keep writing. Do keep reading and criticizing!

May god bless you (with patience)...

:D

Love

Breeze...

A beautiful gush of wind...

That's what i felt when i saw him first...

Two brown eyes....

A vibrant smile...

What more did he have?

That made me so shy?

That made me smile?

That made me feel I'm his and he's mine?

He sang as if he meant every word...

He stared as if I were the most beautiful girl!

He shared as if he'd waited for so long...

Was it love at first sight?

Would it last?

Will I ever meet him?

If every question had an answer,

What was the fun in living?

Why did we meet?

Was it fate?

You could have stayed...

Or rather, never come my way!

What is love, this four lettered word???

Now, I know!

Its when you keep waiting,

When you know you have lost!