Sunday, December 20, 2009

Abort me not!

April 16th 1982
Friday
9.00 am
Maternity Hospital, Shuwaikh, Kuwait.
(Mushtashva Al Walada Al Kuwait)

I don’t know what mom was more bothered about, the day I was born.

Was she happy to have her third child? A baby girl?

Was she thankful to have survived a complicated and fatal pregnancy, due to placenta previa?

Was she worried about her elder daughter, a 2 year old, who was alone at home?

Was she concerned about her 1 year old son, who was away in India with her in-laws, not realising he just had a baby sister?

Or was she wondering where her husband was? (A husband who she would always have to keep longing for...)

I still dont know!

Little did she know, her days of worries where yet to come.

It took me years to realise how much of struggle she had to go through to have me.

From the moment she conceived me...

Through the times when she was forced to down medicines to abort me...

To the day she decided to go ahead and have me, even though I ran a chance to be born deformed from the side-effects of the medicines...

To putting up with a husband who gave her a one night deadline to deliver me... (as if this were some courier service!)

To praying through the night of April 15th 1982, to a GOD she called Father, to give her pangs of pain and help her bring a new life to earth! (Which miraculously happened, because her EDD was atleast a week ahead)

Anyways...

I was born.

I was a fairly large baby, weighing 3.650 kgs when born. I must have put her through lot of pain.

I know for a fact that she expected a boy. Intuitions had gone wrong for the first time, for the third child.

(I never complained. I have always loved to dress up as a boy.)

The name was pre-decided.

Geetha Raj Chettiyanthodi

Geetha, because mom loved that name and the Bhagavad Gita (The song of God). Raj, from my dad. And the rest was the 'House name'. (Agreed that is a stupid way of naming a child!)

But, I never had a reason to complain about that either. I love my name. (Which is not a great coincidence, considering the great narcissist I am!)

I turn 28 in another 4 months. I am not married yet. I dont know if I would ever have a kid.

But...

I know for a fact that...

Everyone talks about their mother being the best mom. Being their role model. Being their motivator.

But to me...

She is the only reason why I am.

If she'd chosen to do away with me...

If she had chosen to have it the way her husband wanted it... (which I would have, had I been in her shoes)

Then, I wouldn't have been...! This blog wouldn't have been...!

I am not against abortion. I strongly support the cause. It is a woman's body. She decides what to do with it.

But...

It takes immense courage and self-esteem for a woman - to bring in a life, especially a life, which is hated much before its birth, which is termed an unnecessary burden even before it's as big as a tennis ball... and if that's a girl child, too bad! Dowry and more money to spend!

A Salute to all those mothers who still pursue their urge to have a kid and go against all odds to bring out a life...

Mommy, please know I wouldn't have complained, had you chosen not to... But I am happy you didn't!

Thanks for having me mom... You really don't realize what I would have missed...!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Thank you 360!

I started my blog 3 months back.

I had always wanted to have a blog - a space of my own, where I could share, without the fear of being judged - all my scribbles, which I term 'creative', in the form of poems or short stories.

When I started receiving comments on my blogs, I understood how modest a writer feels, on knowing that someone has taken the pains to read what one has written, understand it and even review it...

Writing takes some skill (perhaps).

But reading takes patience!

I would like to thank all the 360 friends, who visited my profile over the past 3 months, from 18th September 2009 - the day I started blogging, till the 18th of December 2009 - today.

And yeah! I will keep writing. Do keep reading and criticizing!

May god bless you (with patience)...

:D

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Love

Breeze...
A beautiful gush of wind...
That's what i felt when i saw him first...

Two brown eyes....
A vibrant smile...
What more did he have?

That made me so shy?
That made me smile?
That made me feel I'm his and he's mine?

He sang as if he meant every word...
He stared as if I were the most beautiful girl!
He shared as if he'd waited for so long...

Was it love at first sight?
Would it last?
Will I ever meet him?

If every question had an answer,
What was the fun in living?

Why did we meet?
Was it fate?
You could have stayed...
Or rather, never come my way!

What is love, this four lettered word???

Now, I know!

Its when you keep waiting,
When you know you have lost!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

You are my Vanilla!

"You are like a Chocobar!", he said when they met the second time. "The more I know you, the more I like your sweetness, your tastes!".

She wondered why he always spoke of anything, comparing it with ice creams. Later, when she knew about his craze for ice creams, she understood.

She preferred to talk to him inside an ice cream parlor, so that she could relish with her lover, his love. Eventually, that became their meeting point.

Once he said, "Oh! my dear Vanilla, you enter my soul like a coolness I never felt before. I guess I have started liking you more than ice creams!"

She couldn't sleep that night. She imagined their house, made of chocolate and walls made of cream. In her dream, she floated with him like pieces of dry fruit in a fruit salad.

One day he told her, "You know what? Women - They are like cone ice creams. As a whole they appear soft and creamy, but deep inside, they are hard like biscuits!"

She asked him why he said so and he complained that she did not care for him. She had never visited his house, even though he had invited her during each of their meetings.

So, one day she went fully attired like a specially dressed cup ice cream, much to his surprise. He said, "Like ice creams, women too should not be kept waiting, or else they melt away!"

And they enjoyed themselves.

They hadn't met for weeks, when she finally called him up. He said he had been away and promised to meet her at their favorite place. Though late, he showed up for his date. While talking over their butterscotch he said, "
Butterscotch is quite tasty, but we get fed up soon. I have never been able to complete one cup in my whole life."

And he didn't, this time too.

Soon, they parted. She tried to figure out what went wrong. She soon understood that her tastes were wrong. His entire flavor was wrong. As she sat crying over her spilled milk ice cream at the parlor, she saw him walk in with another girl.

His next ice cream!
Trivia: This story was written sometime in 2001, and it won me a College first prize in English story writing!! :D

You were never there...

31st Aug 2002

Couldn't cry
As I made my first move
My eyes were dry
As my mom had cried!

Could only laugh
When tears came and blocked
Life was tough
Yet "we" pulled and towed!

Could only fake a smile
When he stabbed "us" in our hearts
Could only love him more
The farther he seemed to go!

Could never know us, fair
But, you were never there
Alas! Then when you came
"We" weren't there to bear!

Haven't you got enough tears?

11th August 2002

Slowly awaken,
Fast asleep
An apprentice at feelings
A virgin at love.

Lively but lonely
Friendly yet fragile!
My heart pounds to music,
Yet stays calm and wild!

They tagged it "Sentimental"
He called it "Most bright"
God marked it "A wild flower,
Fallen from the sky!"

To the reddish mountains,
And the muddy drops,
My life - disdained
Yet it seems to glow!

Amidst the bright darkness,
Of this lonely night,
I pen this to highlight
The flights of my fights!

How my life looks vain!
My birth - a disgrace,
I was born a queen,
Yet, slavery I face!

A burden to my shoulders,
A load to my sons,
A grief to my siblings,
A fun for everyone!

An antique - cheap in nature
A painting - known by none
A sculpture - made of sores
At the hands of asylums!

My vision isn't blurred,
Its the world that has flunked.
Yet, they call me "Funny"
And I call them "Junk!"

My Mom

Somewhere in 2002

Who loved -
Not to fulfill,
But to fullness!

Who hated -
Only hatred!

Who went -
Without waiting to be invited!

Who responded -
Without being called!

Who loved -
Without being loved!

Who figured out -
That perhaps,
Love is God!

Myself?

22nd January 2002

Why do I stand,
When the world retreats?

Why do I fall,
When the world is at peace?

Why do I pray
To the deaf and debris?

Why do I choose
From a one-sided dice?

Why do I make
When all others break?

Why do I cry
When, with all might I've tried!

Why do I hate
When all are my mates?

Why do I love
When all are my foes?

Why do I buy
When all are mine?

Why do I sing
When no joy it brings?

Why do I write
When nothing is left bright?

Saturday, November 28, 2009

*Conditions Apply

Music - Soft and slow.
My mind - It's free to flow.
Melody - Soothing and calm.
Singing - My sorrows are embalmed!
Sacrifice - The only way to let go.
Sorrow - Is with me through and fro.
Solitude - A blessing in disguise?
Passion - May come before demise?
Love - In your eyes I see...
Weddings bells - Now, part of debris.
Peace - Will be*
Happiness - I'll see*
Tears - Will stop*
Cry - I will not*
Fake - Were emotions.
God - I pray with caution!
Helpless - In my path I feel.
Pain - Is all I get in deal!
Misery - Will have to fail*
Faith - I will keep nailed*
Hope - Has been torn.
Smiles - Will but be born!*
Beauty - Is in you.
Friends - Are truely few.
Hugs - Are they free?
Baby - Can I be?
Innocence - Will it return?
Dew drops - On a heart which burnt...
Ring - My naked finger!
Music - Makes me linger!

Friday, November 27, 2009

Divine Dreams

While young and naive,
I had dreams to achieve,
A childhood to leave,
And no time to grieve!

Time did a favor -With age I got braver.
Couldn't wait and crave,
With a youth, so depraved!
I no longer cover,
Nor pretend to glower.
When showered by a lover,
Kisses are devoured!

Bundles of notions,
Twirls of emotion,
Hugs of devotion,
Like the warmth of the ocean!

Moments of pleasure,
Fragments to treasure,
Sweat which felt fresher,
I love with no measure!

Now, with no hopes
Skin that's gone taupe,
In solitude I grope,
Even death has eloped!
My face, now turned ashen
My soul, with the demon
My life, wrongly driven
My past stays - unforgiven!

Tears flow in streams...
I wake from that dream,
As odd it may seem,
My sore eyes still gleam!

The bright sun still shines,
Everything looks fine.
Life is so divine...
I thank god, its mine!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

A love that's mine!

Will I find a love that's mine,
That'll be with me, through time and tide?

A smile that'll assure you are safe, its me!
A hand that'll hold, yet set me free!

A glance that'll shine, as my shadow saunters
An embrace that'll hold me in a lasting fonder!

A praise, even when make-up fades on my face
A kiss, even when my eyes swell in disgrace!

A chest so wide, for me to gander
A mind so full of me, to ponder!

When will I find the love of my life?
That'll be with me,
And be mine...
And be mine!!!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

I shall hold you undeterred.

My fears trickle down as tears,
Yet I crave for your kisses on my ears.

My anger overcomes my sorrows,
Yet I hope I can hold you tomorrow.

My heart still pounds hard when you are mentioned
And my love for you, grows exponential!

You are gone. I feel torn.
The dead don't return. My soul feels burnt.

All in vain. All down the drain.
The world has moved on. And I refuse to live on.

I refuse to accept. I refuse to release.
Death is not a reason. Death is just a treason.

By your grave, I will cry
Tears of sorrow, to make you abide.

You will live, You will return!
For in my heart, I shall hold you undeterred.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Turning point

Every new day brings a new meaning, teaches a new lesson, shows a new dimension, presents a new threshold - of happiness, sorrow, solitude, contentment. But sometimes, our days also start with a frown, or a frivolous fight and then takes the most unexpected twist!

I woke up that morning angry, awakened by a call. It was not the call that angered me. But having to talk to someone the moment I wake up is something that ticks me off badly.

As I walked into the kitchen, my mom warned my siblings, "Sookshicho, innu idathotta" (Roughly translated as 'Someone seems to have woken up towards her left. So, beware!') According to Hindu superstition, there's a belief that one who wakes up from the bed by turning to his/her left, will face a bad day.

I chose to ignore that comment.

After all, the damage had been done. I sat sulking with my tea, reading the newspapers and going through my daily horoscope. Wonder whats in stock?

"Life will take a turn. You will meet an important person"

Hmmm.... now that seemed interesting. Maybe someone did respond to my curriculum vitae, uploaded on the numerous job portals. Better get dressed formally to office. What if I have to rush for an interview call. I need to look presentable after all!

But, wait!

Someone important huh?? A prospective boss can be important. But could that also mean a prospective groom??? Now, who am I to blame? The same, curriculum vitae was tweaked to appear like a matrimonial ad and hosted on all marriage portals online! Then, a formal wear wont do! I need something casual, something sexy, something... attractive!

Hmmm... now I am stuck! I need a formal wear which is sexy. I need a casual wear which is presentable! Why do women have so many attires to choose from?? For the first time in life, I preferred to have had only 2 options like all men.

A plain shirt with matching trousers.
A stripped shirt with matching trousers.

Alas!

But then, a Sari should do.

Yeah!

Sexy, formal, casual, presentable, modern, trendy --> all in one!

So, there I stood at my office doorstep, draped in a sari on that rainy day. I was late. It dint matter. My life was going to change. I was optimistic.

I longed for the mobile to ring. (Yes, the same mobile I almost threw away that morning, for having woken me up)

10.30 am. No calls yet. Its too early. My boss (prospective) / guy (would-be), must have just begun his day. Let him take his time. I can wait.

12.00 noon. Hmmm... he must be busy with lunch. Its alright. Let him take his time.

2.00 pm. The NFS Carbon ring tone blasted across the hall. I had set my ring volume to 6 on my phone. After all I dint want to miss this important call!

"Ms. Geetha Raj?"

A male voice. I gasped.

"Yes, yes!"

"Is this the right time to talk?"

"Yes, yes!"
(What's your name???)

"Well, this was regarding..."

"Go on please..."
(Work? / Wedding?)

"Mam, are you there?"

"Yes, yes!"
(Did I just hear 'Mam?' Seems well-mannered!)

"This was regarding the payment of your credit card dues. You have lapsed last month's payment."

"A...h...! Y...e...s, I k...n...o...w!"
(F*** You! What a time to call.)

"Well, I am Mr.ABC. (His name no longer seemed relevant). I am waiting at your reception to meet you on this regard."

"Oh! Lovely! I'm coming down in a split."
(The prospective boss had vanished by now. But who knows! Maybe my prince charming is a Recovery agent)

A tall, huge, hefty guy, with a declining hairline stood there.
(Why do all recovery agents look like Dons from a Hindi movie?)

He thrust forward a small yet huge bill.

A heart attack. That's what I felt.

Outstanding = xx,xxx.xx
Interest = x,xxx.xx
Late payment charges = x,xxx.xx
Misc charges = x,xxx.xx
-------------------------------------
Total = More than I can ever pay!
-------------------------------------

Jesus! So much of entries for a single payment lapsed???

I tore a cheque for the amount he thrust into my hand.

Yes.

He was an important person.

Yes.

This was a turning point in my life.

No more credit cards!!!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Percussion of thoughts…

8th Jan, 2008

Percussion of thoughts…
Foundations ruined!
Foundations formed!

Demise of values…
Morals found!
Morals lost!

Array of rights…
What’s sought?
What’s got?

Accusations flaunted -
Baseless, thoughtless.

Emotions displayed -
Fake, forged, fictitious.

A world,
Where ambiguity reigns
Like Kings in a dream.

Where love comes to those
Who yearn for debris.

Where lust becomes dharma
And destruction becomes karma.

Where do I stand?
If I kill, I may succeed.

And return to being a baby
Smiling and sleeping to lullabies.

I will find happiness, without you!

When I gaze, I see you...
When I dream, I feel you...
When I breathe, I smell you...
When I run, I follow you...
When I stop, I gasp with you...
When I fall, I hold you...
When I walk, I lean on you...
When I leave, I cry with you...

My prince...
He slept like an angel...
He laughed like a dream...
He craved like a child...
He loved like forever....

How I wish, I could live with you...
How I curse fate, I had to leave you...
How I pray, for your happiness...
And how I hope...
I will find happiness...
Without you!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

To my fake friend!

Why pretend be my friend?
And ditch me in the end?

Why further offend?
When I dont defend!

Why that smile still?
When you always wanted to kill?

Why crib and command?
When you've already abandoned?

You needn't walk beside me, behind me or before me
As long as you don't stab me,
It's fine!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Today Was The Day...

Today was the day when I felt so lost...
Life seemed so forced, as if tomorrows wouldn't follow...

I saw myself cry...
Shed tear after tear...

I saw myself hate...
With every cell, cursing fate...

Why does every man leave?
After claiming to love me?

Why does every friend,
Still love, care and kill me?

Why does family stay?
And ex-lovers flay?

Why does my job suck?
And life seem so gray?

Am I on the right road?
Is this the right way?

Will morrow be better?
Will I fall, fail or flare?

Today was the day when I felt so lost...
Yet I live on...
Cause life is so forced!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

My First Heart Break

4rth July 2007

Bereaved -
Yet deprived from my right to tears!
Shattered -
Yet forced to stay intact!
Sought after -
Yet lonely!
Life -
My Life...?
No longer mine anymore!
Yet...
Still,
In love with life...!


(The first time, it hurts like hell. Then, you get used to it I guess!)

Monday, September 28, 2009

Lessons From A Tailess, Hairless, Blind Pink Meatball

I wouldn't call my family a very "pet friendly" one. But we have had a lot of pets, ranging from cats, dogs, love birds, rabbits, a guinea hen, a turtle and so on. But one pet that has always remained close to my heart is my squirrel.

This again, is an old story. Happened about 17 years ago, way back in 1992. I was in the third grade. We were in India then. It was almost a year since the Gulf war. Mom and dad had returned to Kuwait. We kids stayed back at one of dad's cousin's houses, waiting for Kuwait to get safer for families to return.

Dad's cousin sister stayed in Palkad, Kerala. It was a village with lots of trees, a river, hills, tiled and thatched houses and of course a bunch of uneducated but innocent people. The facade of her house opened to lush green paddy fields stretched as far as one's eyes could see. Beyond the fields, stood the hills and the waterfalls - such a beautiful sight.

One fine morning, we were getting ready for school. That was when war would erupt at home. Queues at the bathroom door. Fights at the breakfast table. Homeworks half done and our auto-rickshaw driver who would always come early when we were late.

That day was no different. I was angry I had to plait my long hair on my own. I had pretty long hair then (an ample supply of lice too). I insisted the maid plait them and adorn them with a rose each day. But she was busy washing plates by the well.

Suddenly, we heard her scream. She had stooped to draw water from the well, when she felt something cold and fleshy, fall on her back. We rushed, to see a small hairless meat ball - alive, squeaking and trying to move on her. I cupped my palms and took it in slowly. It was pink in colour and its eyes were closed.

The tail seemed short. It was cut and was bleeding. A crow had mistakenly dropped its meal. But we couldn't figure out what the creature was. Whatever species it belonged to, it was a lucky meatball, to be alive.

I took it inside and placed it in the warmth of coconut husks (abundant in Kerala!) and fed it milk with an eye dropper. Someone said it was a rat. Someone else suggested it was a squirrel. What difference did it make? As far as I was concerned, I hoped it would live.

Days passed by, and our love for the pink hairless meatball only grew. It started sprouting fur. Thats when someone figured out it was actually a squirrel. To us it was immaterial by then. We had started loving it, immaterial of its genesis. (First lesson learnt - Love Doesnt Distinguish Race)

One day, as I fed 'him' (I figured out that much by then!), he opened his eyes! That was an awesome feeling. To be the first person, to be seen, by an infant! I figured out how heroic yet humbled gynecologists felt, when a new born right out of the mother's womb, looked straight at them. (Second lesson learnt - Some Lessons In Life Are Taught By People Younger To You)

I felt more responsible for him. I felt I need to help him. Feed him. Grow him. Teach him. Lead him. I was hardly a ten year old. But I already knew what motherhood pangs meant! (Third lesson learnt - You Need To Be A Mother To Know How She Feels)

He grew into a handsome squirrel. His golden brown coat, the three white lines which extended from his head towards his long bushy tail ... oops! did I say "long"? Well, that was the only thing he lacked. He had a short stubbed tail, but that dint keep him from exploring the world. He was a proud prankster. (Fourth lesson learnt - A Lost Limb Doesn't Necessarily Mean A Life Lost)

He used to climb up my hands, to the back of my neck and cuddle within my hair, often falling asleep in the warmth. He used to bite everyone except me. He took a liking to drinking Tang. He loved bananas and mangoes, to the extend, once he almost choked to death when a large chunk of mango blocked his trachea. He almost passed out.

I thought we lost him. I realized why people cried at funerals. I understood what it meant to lose someone. How it hurt to know that they would never return. I started crying. But, thanks to my aunt's prompt thinking, she managed to pull out the fruit with the help of a steel fork. He gasped. Coughed. Blinked. And was back on feet and running around soon.

But little did I know I would lose him soon. Not to fate. But to his personal choice.

He had a cage, which was always left open. He was free to roam and was used to climbing up the trees and exploring his small world. But he always came back before dark. (Some good manners!)

But one day, I kept waiting. And he never came. The night passed with no sign of him. Two days passed and still no squirrel. My tears saw no limits. How could he abandon me? What had I not done for him? Has he no gratitude? No memories? No love or regard? After all what was he without me? An orphaned, tailless hairless blind pink meat ball.

I equated my helplessness with that of parents, when children left them in search of happiness, to build their dreams, to live their lives. (Fifth lesson learnt - You Cant Expect People To Reciprocate Exactly The Way You Want Them To)

Eventually my tears dried. I accepted that he would never come back. But I still loved him. Cherished memories of him. Prayed for him to be happy. Wished him good luck. Bid him farewell.

I was growing up.

I was thinking like a woman.

I was learning to forgive and forget.

Though I dint realize then, I had just learnt the greatest lesson of life.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

29 07 1994: Flight - III & IV 'KWT - Muscat' & 'Muscat - TVRM'

It was 9 pm by the time the airport authorities figured out what to do with us - passengers. We were to stay at the airport's 5 star hotel for the night. We would be put on the flight to India the next day.

We managed to collect our baggage and went to our room. It was quite a struggle. Especially with no special care for the "Unaccompanied". But, we really dint bother as we were finally treated as adults and left to do 'our own stuff'.

The room was comfy. The white beds, cosy and inviting. I remember watching TV till late before sleeping off on the bed I shared with Chechi. We slept well... rather too well.

The next day, the 29th of July, by around 11.30 am, we were awaken, by knocks on the door. You could call them bangs rather.

We found a neatly dressed man and a smart lady at our door. They wished us,

"Good morning Mam! Good morning Sir!"

We turned around to see if they actually meant us.

"Your breakfast has been arranged for. May we take you to the hall?"

We were sure they were mistaken. We tried to figure out. But they insisted we follow them. We had to do a rush job with our brushing and pulled on something to wear.

The dining hall was empty. There was a table, neatly arranged and set for three. We figured that our fellow passengers must have already had their breakfast.(People dont generally eat breakfast at 12.00 noon)

We were treated with special care and attention wherever we went. (Little did we know then that dad had called the airport that morning to check on us, only to get a casual reply that our room was locked and we must be sleeping. He gave them a 'royal hearing'. The sudden red carpet treatment was an after math of that lecture session, I presume).

We were told we would be sent to India, as separate batches in different flights. We had no reason to complain. To us it meant, one more day at Kuwait and that too at a 5 star hotel, great food, plenty of TV watching and gaming without scoldings.

There was a large hall for indoor games at the hotel, with plenty of games too. That was where I first saw a Football Table. We spend most of our time playing there or nibbling on something at the restaurant.

Our flight to Muscat, was in the evening at 8 pm or so (I think it was the East-West Airlines). We boarded the flight quite sure that it would too bring us back to Kuwait. But it dint. No announcements, no crash landings.

From Muscat, the next flight to Trivandrum was scheduled close to 2 am. That too seemed to fly alright. I remember it was early morning and was raining, when I first caught a glimpse of Kerala from inside the flight. It was the 30th of July. 2 days since we first boarded our flight from Kuwait.

That was an awesome sight. The rivers over flowing with muddy waters, the rain that drizzled by, the coconut trees, the red tiles of houses... everything seemed the same... the way we remembered seeing it a year ago.

We knew there was no going back now. But we still hoped we will be back in Kuwait soon.

Little did we know then that we would live in Kerala for 13 years (before shifting to Chennai), graduate there, have our first crushes, get our first jobs, count our first salaries, see our sister get married and have a kid, lose our dad and much much more... in Kerala.

We would know what "Life" meant.

Life, different from what we had seen and been familiar with, while in Kuwait.

We never realized then, that we were finally home.

In God's own country.

Kerala!